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Yes, we are still here. And today we have a submission for you to… 
11th-Apr-2007 04:45 pm
kitty leaf
Yes, we are still here. And today we have a submission for you to review!

Please try to be fair and honest, and remember that it's perfectly acceptable to review the fics anonymously. There are many things you can provide concrit on, including plot, flow, characterization, etc. Also, you might try to indicate what the author has done well in addition to things that could be improved.

Let's give this author some good feedback and also, please consider submitting a fic to us. It's helpful and only 1/4 as painful as going to the dentist! ;)

TitleUnder Fire
Pairing: None
Rating: PG
Word Count: 474
Warning: None
Summary: Jayne, Kaylee and Zoe are caught under heavy fire and there’s no way out.

Weren’t nothin’ gonna get them outta this. Sure enough, they could fight
hard as they wanted to but nothin’ in the ‘verse could save ‘em now. They
were under attack, endurin’ heavy fire with no sign of gettin’ out. Jayne
winced as another spray got launched right at ‘em. Kaylee was between him
and Zoe and Jayne could tell she was a mite nervous. Hell, who wouldn’t be?
Under this kind of pressure even the sweetest disposition’d likely crack
right in two. And Zoe, well she was used to it, but even she was backin’
down a bit. After years of takin’ it, Jayne figured it was only a matter of
when ‘fore she couldn’t take no more. “Course there weren’t nowhere to run.
Stuck out here in the midst o’ this situation, he was sure painin’ for
somewhere to run off to; but that weren’t gonna be happenin’ anytime soon.

Kaylee cowered down, gettin’ low as she possibly could. Jayne didn’t like
seein’ her have to rereat within herself so, and he jumped up to try and
show that fact. Got himself tore down right quick. Kaylee touched his arm
and gave him a soothin’ glance. He was alright though. Sure, it stung a
little, but he’d be ok. Zoe stood now, takin’ her chance to get a volley
away. She stood while return fire came right back at her, but eventually
even she had to get back down. It was safer down here in the relative cover
of stayin’ quiet and doin’ nothin’. And side from that, when Mal got this
riled up he was ruttin’ crazier than the moonbrain.

“Next time y’wanna put food colourin’ in the water system, make sure I ain’t
under the shower!” the captain bellowed.

Zoe tried another interjection.

“Sir, I wasn’t directly involved with this, so I can’t work out why you’ve
got me here…”

“You’re my second in command, Zoe! Thing like this happens aand you’re meant
to give me some warnin’!”

Zoe stifled a laugh.

“I’m sorry, Sir. It wasn’t directed at you and I wasn’t aware you were going
to be usin’ the facilities before they flushed the system out again.”

“Which we was plannin’ to do!” Kaylee offered.

“Yeah” Jayne agreed. “We was after the doc ‘cause o’ the medicine he gave us
all turnin’ our tongues purple!”

Mal shook his head.

“That makes it alright does it?”

“Never said that.”

Mal turned to storm off when Kaylee got his attention.

“Cap’n?” she said sweetly. “That colour looks awful nice on you.”

Mal’s shoulders sagged.

“See what I gotta put up with?” he told Zoe, gesturin’ to Kaylee.

“Well, that purple makes your skin glow, Sir.”

Mal lost it again.

“It glows purple, ‘cause it is purple!”

With that he stormed off leavin’ the trio to laugh about their prank gone

11th-Apr-2007 09:22 pm (UTC)
I'm confused. In the first part, they are taking fire... the next bit they are apologizing to the captain? I get the impression that the writer intended something with this story, about why the crew (or Jayne, Kaylee, and Zoe) were "under fire" but without revealing exactly what was being shot at them, and switching to a discussion with Mal, I find myself lost. Sometimes it's nice to leave some aspects of a fic up to the reader, but I feel this one may be asking for too much.

Otherwise, it reads that Mal is mad enough to start shooting his own crew, presumably somewhere on the ship? I can't imagine Mal doing such a thing - even if he was turned purple due to a practical joke. He'd be angry, yes, but I can't imagine he'd endanger their lives like that.

It almost feels like two separate stories here. I guess I'm still confused.
11th-Apr-2007 10:30 pm (UTC)
i'm not the author but I think you're letting your assumptions about being "under fire" color your opinion. Admittedly at first I thought they were in an actual gun battle, but when they started talking to the Captain I figured out that they were being "shot" at with words not bullets. I can totally see Mal getting really pissed if he was turned purple. *lol*
11th-Apr-2007 10:31 pm (UTC)
This story idea has the potential to be cute; however, I found it rather difficult to follow. The writer initially suggests that the crew are in the thick of a serious firefight. Then, all of a sudden, it seems that the battle is actually some sort of inter-crew prank war wherein Mal is angry and firing something (water?) at the rest of the crew, because he has been stained purple by something in the ship's water system.

I found this entirely too cryptic and was bothered by the lack of continuity. (In fact, I re-read it several times trying to figure it out.)

The first two paragraphs were overly long and encompassed too much information, then the style shifted completely to shorter, more open sentences.

I also found the use of dialect to be rather excessive and, at times, stilted. This was most noticeable when used during narrative as opposed to dialog.

My favorite part was this, perhaps because I could picture it clearly.

Mal turned to storm off when Kaylee got his attention.

“Cap’n?” she said sweetly. “That colour looks awful nice on you.”

Mal’s shoulders sagged.

“See what I gotta put up with?” he told Zoe, gesturin’ to Kaylee.

12th-Apr-2007 12:56 am (UTC)
I agree with previous comments about the dialect. It does make a fic harder to read when it's used in the narrative. Also the first paragraph was a bit run-on, maybe paring it down a bit will make it flow better.

Having said that, the idea is very cute, and the metaphor of the three of them under fire while Mal is yelling at them is clever.
12th-Apr-2007 04:05 am (UTC)
I like the idea behind this fic. The beginning is just mysterious enough to draw you in. I was really concerned for the three of them as they were under fire (I really believed it!). I do think there is a bit too much Firefly-speak in the exposition (or thought part). It is a fine line between enough to make it fit in the fandom and too much (so that it actually ends up invading the voices the reader already has in their head for the character). Maybe if some of that were written more directly from Jayne's thoughts it would work better, or perhaps some additional dialogue in that part, which would help with the abrupt jump from thought to dialogue.

I also think that the reveal of the mystery of what's going on could use a bit more explanation. Readers are usually good with making a leap and figuring it out (and most like that), but it might have been a little too vague. I had the feeling that Mal was joining in the water-fight, but I really had to read a lot into it to get that.

Still, with just a few changes, it will be an amusing ficlet and should be posted for others to read!
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