?

Log in

No account? Create an account
What do you think?
...no, what do you really think?
Dialogue Workshop Submission #2 
7th-May-2007 12:13 am
kitty leaf
ETA: Sorry about the formatting problem. The preview looked good and then the internet crashed on me and since it was very late, I just shut everything down and went to bed.

Here's our second submission for the Dialogue Workshop. Please take time to give a critique and try to do so for the first one that was posted earlier.

As always, please try to be fair and honest when reviewing, and remember that it's perfectly acceptable to review the fics anonymously.

There are many things you can provide concrit on with a dialogue piece, here are a few, but feel free to comment on other things: characterization and voice, flow and clarity, use of tags with dialogue. Try to indicate what the author has done well in addition to things that could be improved.

Workshop 1: Dialogue
Characters: Zoe and Mal, implied Mal/Simon, spoilers for TLB.
Word Count: 211


“Sir, River said we got a wave from Badger?”

“Sure did. Says he’s got a couple of transport jobs for us. Didn’t give much by way of details, but it sounded like we’d be moon-hoppin’ along the Rim for a bit.”

“Kinda surprised to hear from the man, considering where we left him last.”

“Was taken aback myownself, but it was him alright, ugly hat and all. Noticed he had a new tie, though.”

“He must be awful riled about how we treated him after that job Ott screwed us over on. Can’t imagine we’re on the top of his list to pass a job to.”

“Are you tryin’ to imply something about Persephone’s most esteemed businessman? I’m shocked, really.”

“This job wouldn’t be takin' us anywhere near Whitefall, would it sir?”

“Zoe, I’m beginning to think that you don’t trust me.”

“So that’s a yes, then.”

“I promise I won’t get close enough for Patience to shoot me again.”

“I’m more concerned on what our good doctor will say. Don’t think he’ll be too pleased about pullin’ another one of that woman’s bullets outta your flesh.”

“Technically, the last one was just a graze.”

“You really think he’ll see it that way, sir?”

“Don’t really wanna answer that, Zo'.”

“Mm.”

Comments 
7th-May-2007 05:59 pm (UTC)
Anonymous
I found the initial sentence somewhat confusing. “Sir, River said we got a wave from Badger?” While this is intended and punctuated as a question, it's actually a statement.

I'd personally be more likely to write myownself as my own self.

The voicing and characterization was true, and I liked the ironical tone that's so much a part of Zoe's relationship with Mal, but I found myself wanting some non-dialog to break up the conversation, like a sip of water between eating crackers.
8th-May-2007 03:54 am (UTC)
I like this quite alot. It flowed as a scene that would be had walking through the ship. No tags were needed for me to see the two of them having this talk while moving. I don't see the implied ship from the character note, but they may just be me as I generally don't look for or ship slash...
10th-May-2007 03:14 am (UTC)
Anonymous
I thought this was a nice little conversation between Mal and Zoe. They were very in character, although I must say that I didn't see the slash implications, so it may be that they were too subtle to really require the warning. Really, I think Simon wouldn't be happy about taking a bullet out of Mal whether they were in a relationship or not.

I would have liked to see either a better ending line from Zoe or some description of her expression or what she's thinking. The "Mm." is just too vague. Also, shouldn't "Sir" always be capitalized, especially when in dialogue? I'm not sure of the rules, so could be wrong.
10th-May-2007 11:35 am (UTC)
Anonymous
I liked the to and fro between Zoe and Mal and think you have their voices down pat. I think the first sentence is more of a statement than a question. To make the ending more definite, I would prefer the story to end with the second last line.
This page was loaded Oct 17th 2017, 3:41 am GMT.